He has performed for two Presidents, appeared on hundreds of TV shows including David Lettermen, HBO, and has had several of his own half hour and hour Comedy Central Specials. He also helped create RUCKUS, a game show created by both himself and Merv Griffin.
He is the three time winner of The World Magic Award and his career longevity has made him loved by two generations around the world. He is hugely followed by fans in Germany, Australia, South America, and several other countries.
For the past 13 years AJ has been of the road headlining in Las Vegas, the city he now calls his home. He has set house records at The Nugget, The Riviera, The Flamingo, and he has now ended his Vegas run at Ballys, making Johnathan the longest running comic magician in the history of Las Vegas. His house and huge classic car collection have been showcased on many TV shows of late including HGTV and The Travel Channel.
He has recieved The Las Vegas Review-Journal coveted "Best of Las Vegas" and Best Top 10 Show" award. City Life Magazine has awarded him "Comedian of the Year". Johnathan is also the three time winner of the International Magic Award for "Best Comedy Magician."
Alongside Amazing J is Psychic Tanya, an uproarious blonde assistant who supports his act with silly banter and spontaneous hilarity. This comic partnership has added a hysterical spark to Amazing Johnathan's already off-the-wall production.
Now that his Vegas run is finished, you can still hear and see him as the host of his new video podcast called "Burn Unit." The address is www.burnunit.tv.This is his hilarious, politically incorrect talk show which features celebrity interviews, outrageous acts and lessons on how to do cool tricks.
He also has opened a Haunted Attraction on Downtown's Fremont Street called "The Screamont Experience."
If you want to his show, check out his tour schedule on this site, however he is only doing one weekend a month, so if you get the chance GO SEE HIM LIVE! For fun, give the TIMELINE on this site a try! See what's both old and new.]]>
@LOL Comedy Club - San Antonio, TX (March 7-9, 2014)
@Great American Comedy Club - San Diego,CA (March 20-22, 2014)
@Improv - Orlando, FL (April 11-13, 2014)
@Comedy Connection - Providence, RI (April 17, 2014)
@Wilber Theater - Boston, MA (April 18, 2014)
@Hu Ki Lau Comedy - Chicopee, MA (April 19, 2014)
@Laffs, Inc. - Toledo, OH (May 1-3 2014)]]>
PENN & TELLER: The Amazing Johnathan tips his hat to the other KINGS of Comedy-Magic. Having got to know them a bit better AJ concedes they are as brilliant off stage as they are on. Gullible...but brilliant! visit link
PENNY WIGGINS: Penny plays Psychic Tanya, AJ's assistant in his show. She is also a talented actresses, a stand-up comic, and the Queen of the singing telegrams! So, if you need something fun for your next special occasion, look her up. AJ created this site so take a look. visit link
BRIAN GILLIS: Billed as Johnny Carson's favorite magician, Brian has appeared on the Tonight Show more than any other magician. He is a favorite at The Magic Castle and is one of the best close up magician's around (except George Tovar). See why he's the one all the biggest stars use Brian Gillis for their private functions. visit link
SYLVESTER THE JESTER: Danny Sylvester is one of AJ's and is the most creative genius's working in magic today. Anything a cartton can do Sylveter can do better! Come see why he is The Real Life Cartoon. visit link
SIA SYNN: Sia is a side show performer and my partner when off stage. She is impervious to pain and is a special girl all around. Check out some video of my girl in action. She also is my assistant onstage manager. visit link
THE ONION: This is probably the funniest site on the Web. A satirical newspaper with the funniest colums you will ever read. You will laugh out loud so go there now and check it out.
HOTLIST: Here is the ultimate guide to everything on the Internet. It lists just about everything on the Internet. visit link
2. A duck walks into the pharmacy and says, "gimme some chapstick and put it on my bill".
3. Dog limps into the bar with one foot all bandaged up and says, "I wanna see the man who shot my paw!"
4. A man from the city, moves to the country. His farmer neighbor visits one day and invites him to a party that night. The farmer says "I gotta warn you there is going to be a lot of drinking there." The man replies, " That's O.K. I used to go out and drink a lot with my friends after work." The farmer then says, “I gotta warn you, there may be fighting too.” The man replies, "That's O.K., I generally get along with people pretty well." The farmer then says, "I also must warn you that sometimes there is a lot of sex." The man says enthusiastically, "That's O.K." The farmer then gives the man directions to his cabin. As the man is almost out the door, he asks, "What should I wear?" The farmer answers,"It doesn't matter! It's just going to be the two of us."
5. In Arkansas, if you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?
6. A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the farmer says: "What's that noise?"
7. Two men were driving down a country road when suddenly a rabbit came bounding through the fields and ran right in front of their car. The driver slammed on his brakes, but not in time. The passenger jumped out of the car and screamed, "Well, do something. I can't believe you hit him." The driver said, "Don't worry. I can help him." He goes to the trunk of the car and takes a bottle out. He then walks over to the rabbit and pours a little over his head. The rabbit instantly raises its head. He pours a little more and then the rabbit hops a little down the road, turns around and waves at them. The rabbit then hops a little further, turns around and waves at them again. The rabbit then hops a little further down the road, turns around and waves again. He did this until he was out of sight. The passenger turns to the driver, and says, "What was that stuff?" The driver looks at the bottle and says, "Permanent Wave for Damaged Hair."
8. A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
9. This guy is going to be in a play. He practices his line over and over again. They only gave him one line because he tends to be very nervous onstage. He gets so say, "Hark, I hear a cannon roar". The night of the play, he is pacing behind stage, working up a sweat, he comes onstage at the right time and waits to say his line. His turn is getting closer, a loud BOOM echoes and he says, "What the hell was that?"
10. A woman is laying naked on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there,a man dressed in white comes by, lifts up the sheet, takes a look and leaves. This happens a second time. the third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" the man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just the painter! ""
11. Three idiots walk into a bar and appear to be very happy about something. “I can't believe we did it in only 120 days!” The first one says. “The drinks are on me!” “I cant believe we did it in only 120 days!” The second one says. “The drinks are on me!” “I cant believe we did it in only 120 days!” The third one says. “The drinks are on me!” The bartender is curious and asks “What are you celebrating?” One of the idiots replies, “We put this here jigsaw puzzle together in only a 120 days and on the side of the box it says from 3 to 5 years!"
12. Knock Knock.
(Interrupting) I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!
13. Knock Knock.
Pavlov... just testing.
14. Knock Knock.
Eager Cow who....
15. Did you hear about the two peanuts who were walking down the road?
One of them was A-Salted (assaulted)!
16. I was fired from the Orange Juice Plant last week.
I just couldn't concentrate.
17. A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her husband
18. A man walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the bar wiping a glass. Thinking he's seeing things, he rubs his eyes and looks again. It's still a horse. "Excuse me" he says to the horse, "Am I going crazy or are you a horse?"
"Yep, I'm a horse all right." The bartender replied.
"THANK GOD! I thought I was going crazy!!! The man says,"When did the Cow sell the place?"
19. A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ONSTAGE! You been making smart ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little prick sitting on your knee!"
20. A man jumps from an airplane and when he pulls his parachute cord it breaks. As he's plunging to his death, he sees a man rising rapidly into the air. As they cross paths, one falling towards the earth and the other rising away from it, the skydiver yells, "Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to know anything about parachutes would you?"
"Sorry, I don't." The other man yells back. "Would you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"
21. A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a
crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome!
So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are
old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late!
So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and
So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck
on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe
says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA
gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were
we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant
who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million
remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were o
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential
suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the
Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd
be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope
would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes
the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt
down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?"
22. A farmer sitting on his porch noticed a highway department truck pull over on the road's shoulder. A man got out, dug a sizable hole in the ditch, and got back in the vehicle. A few minutes later, the other occupant of the truck got out, filled up the hole, tamped the dirt, and got back in the truck.
Then they drove forward on the shoulder about 50 yards and repeated the process--digging, waiting, refilling. After a half- dozen repetitions, the farmer sauntered over to them. "What are you doin'?" he asked.
"We're on a highway beautification project," the driver said. "And the guy who puts the tree in the hole is home sick today."
23. A cowboy rides into town on a paper horse, is wearing a paper hat, he has paper guns, paper chaps, and he has paper boots on. The sheriff sees him and immediately picks him up for rustling.
24. Q: What has four legs and says "Booo!"?
A: A cow with a cold.
25. Q: How do you make a Kentucky woman feel good about herself?
A: Compliment her tooth.
26. After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
27. A little boy asks his father what the difference between theory and reality. "Well, his father replies, go upstairs and ask your mother and your sister whether or not they would sleep with old man Wilson, who lives next-door, for a million dollars."
When he returns from asking he says, "Yes, they both said they would."
"Well son, that's the difference between theory and reality. In theory we are Millionaires! In reality we are living with two whores."
28. A skeleton goes into a bar and orders a beer, and a mop...
29. Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"
Later that same day
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 3: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 3: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 3: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 3: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Faggot!!"
30. Three Alzheimer's patients walk in to a doctor's office. The doctor calls in the first
one, and asked a bunch of info about himself. Then he asked him, "OK, what's 5 plus 5?"
He answers, "That's easy...37." The doctor says ok and tells him to send in the next patient. He comes
in a minute later. The doctor asks him all of his info. Then he asks him, "What's 5 plus 5?"
He answers, "Simple...Thursday." The doctor nods and tells him to send in the final patient. He comes in and sits down. The doctor asks him all of his personal info. Then he also asks him, "What's 5 plus 5?"
He answer, " Man, that's easy...it's 10." The doctor says, "That's good, now how did you get that?"
The patient said, " Well, I just subtracted 37 from Thursday."
31. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Baby, pack up
your things! I just won the lottery!" She replies, "Shall I pack for warm
weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as
you're out of the house by noon!"
32. An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car Pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy? The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you
$50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the Saab, Dad. YOU have to live with it!"
33. A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you
but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's
pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman."Good," he
replies. "Get your own blanket."
34. It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says."That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
35. A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left. He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done.
"Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly."It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
36. An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and
was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" They're for the funeral."
37. A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it... I'm outta here... I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce,
there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the
decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with agorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his
mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.
38. One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Good-bye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
39. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers
again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Good-bye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.
40. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
41. A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells
nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells
him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The
supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the
coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"The woman replies, "He's a midget."
42. The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a
hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my
change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
43. A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar
and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and
discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables
in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to
fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over
for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -
just don't start anything."
44. One day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor,
seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asks.
Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your cat!"
45. A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
46. A diver's twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy, with no equipment, at the same depth. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later the guy
with no equipment is right next to him. He goes down another twenty feet, and a
few minutes later, there's the guy again.He takes out his waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell are you ableto stay down this deep without equipment?"
The other guy takes the chalkboard and chalk and writes, "I'm drowning, you idiot!"
47. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I lost an electron."
The second one says "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
48. Billy Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation,
only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years,
I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii,
I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
49. An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he
said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I wish for a billion dollars""Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis
courts, everything""Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a
stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."
2. A baby Harp Seal walks into a CLUB.... Get it? A CLUB...... SEAL.....CLUB. Folks, these are the jokes!
3. A red neck has sex with his sister. Afterwards, she says, "You fuck a lot better than daddy does." "I should, mommy taught everything I know"
4. A black man walks into a bar and says, "I have a twelve inch dick, and I like to fuck white women with it." A drunk at the other end of the bar said, "Hey, I wouldn't want to fuck a black chick either."
5. An old women decides she want to have sex again with her husband so she undresses and stands on her head and waits for her husband to come home from the bar. When he walks in the house half drunk and half blind from not wearing his glasses, he sees her there by the door and says, "For Christ sakes Emma! Would you put your teeth in and brush your hair!"
6. Two morticians were talking and one says, "You HAVE to come into the back room. There's a female corpse back there that has a prawn sticking out of her vagina." The other says," WHAT! You're crazy!" So he goes in the back room and looks. "That's not a Prawn, you idiot! That's her clitoris!" "Gosh, it sure tasted like a prawn!" The other relied.
7. A pedophile is taking a six year old into the woods at night. She starts to cry, "I'm scared!" "How do you think I feel" the Pedophile replied, "I have to walk out of these woods alone."
8. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.
9. Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this sweater!"
10. It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten. The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie -Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of cancer."
11. "Don't you hate it when you're kissing your Grandma and suddenly the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head? Ouch!"
12. A guy's screwing this girl and she says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date? "Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first grader to be using?"
13. A man call into work sick. This is the conversation.
Man: "Boss, I can't come into today. I'm really sick. I've been in bed all day."
Boss: "WHAT! Are you crazy? This is the day we are meeting with our most important account!!"
Man: "Sorry boss, I'm REALLY sick."
Boss: "Just HOW sick can one man be?"
Man: "Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter."
14. What's the difference between a child molester and a Greyhound Dog? The Greyhound Dog waits until the hairs out of the box. (HARE ... like rabbit)
15. An eighteen year old is sucking on the breast of a 90 year old woman when he notices a white milky substance coming from her breast. He says to her, "Hey, aren't you a bit old to have milk in your breasts?" She replies, "Yeah Sonny, but I'm not to old for breasts cancer!"
16. A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
17. Two men are talking at work and one says, "The reason Paul isn't at work today is that he's home sick from a hangover. He was blowing chunks all last night." The other man says, "He stayed home just because he was blowing chunks all night?" "You don't understand" the first man replied... "Chunks is his dog!"
18. What do 1000 battered women have in common?
None of them will "shut up and listen".
19. A little boy is walking down the street and finds a Welder's mask. He puts it on and is flipping the face plate up and down when a limo pulls up next to him. Inside is a perverted old man who says, "Excuse me little boy, do you know what Sodomy is?" The little boy ignores him and keeps walking, flipping the Welders mask up and down. The old man persists, "Excuse me little boy, have you ever performed oral sex on an old man?" Finally, the little boy looks at the old man and says, "Look mister, I'm gonna level with you. I'm not really a Welder. I found this mask!"
20. A little boy was taking a shower with his mother and he looks between her legs and asks, "Mommy, what's that?" "Well honey", she replied, "that's where God touched me with a Golden Ax."
The little boy then said, "Ouch, didn't that hurt getting smacked right in the cunt with an ax!"
21. What's better then winning the Gold at the Special Olympics?
22. One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt an said "you know, if you'd firm this up, we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of tolerable, she thought herself better and responded with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on her breast and said, "You know, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra. "This was beyond the silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "you know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"
23. The Pope and a Bishop were seated next to each other on an airplane, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. He leaned over to the Bishop and asked, "Excuse me, can you think of a four letter word that ends with "N-T" that describes a female relative? The Bishop thinks for a second and replies, "Why yes, A-U-N-T!"
"Ahhhh! Thank you!" the Pope responded. "Do you have an eraser I could borrow?"
24. A man is taking a shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks, "Daddy, what's that between your legs?" "That's a Penis, honey." He replied "When am I gonna get one of those?" she asked innocently. "As soon as Mommy goes to the Mall." He replied
25. A man comes home drunk one night and so he doesn't get into too much trouble he decides to orally satisfy his wife. He goes under the covers and does the deed. Afterwards, he decides to wash the unpleasant taste from his mouth and goes to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet seat is his wife. "How the hell did you beat me into the bathroom?" He asks amazed. "SHHHH!" She replied "Quiet, you'll wake mother. She's spending the night!"
26. A man walks into a restaurant and sees on the menu:
Ham Sandwich................... $2.00
Turkey Sandwich................ $2.00
Hand Jobs........................ $10.00
He says to the waitress, "Are you the waitress that gives the hand jobs?"
"Why, yes I am sir!" she replied.
"Then GO WASH YOUR HANDS!" he replied. "I want a ham sandwich!"
27. A cop pulls a motorist over using a radar gun and asks the motorist, "Buddy, do have any God dam idea how fast you were going?" The man replied, "No sir, you have the radar gun, you tell me." "You were going 70 mph in a 55 mph zone! You're gonna now have to pay a huge fine and look at you, it looks like you haven't had a job in years. You look like a bum!" the cop screamed. The motorist the replied, "Why I have a great job! I'm a cunt stretcher." "A WHAT?" the cop asked. "I'm a cunt stretcher" the man said. "I first put my finger inside a woman's cunt and then I put another in, then another, then my whole hand, then both hands, until eventually she has a six foot cunt." The cop looked aghast. "What the HELL is a person gonna do with a six foot cunt, boy?" The motorist then replied, "Give him a radar gun and hide him behind a billboard."
28. Two woman were riding bikes together when it started to get dark outside. A little nervous about getting lost, one says to the other, "Helga, I'm a little concerned, I've never come this way before." Helga replied, "Don't worry, it's just the Cobblestones."
29. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
30. What does a tight rope walker and a man getting oral sex from a 90 year old woman gave in common? Neither look down.
31. Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake. "The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
32. Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
33. A couple has been married for 50 years and are celebrating their anniversary. The wife asks what the husband wants for their anniversary and he replies, "I would like you to perform oral sex on me. In the 50 years we have married NEVER have you ONCE done this to me."
34. She replies, "It's just that I'm afraid that you won't respect me afterwards."
"Won't respect you afterwards! he yells, we have been married for 50 years for Christ sakes!"
35. "OK! OK! I'll do it just this one time!" She then bends down and gives him oral sex until he has an orgasm in her mouth. Immediately afterwards she runs to the bathroom. The phone rings next to the bed and he picks it up. He then yells to his wife, "Hey Cock sucker! it's for you!"
36. A woman wants to have surgery to have her vagina tightened and tucked for her husband as an anniversary gift. She tells the surgeon that NOBODY must know about the operation. It must be kept a secret! The surgeon agrees and after the operation he stops by to visit the patient. She is furious and yells, "I thought this operation was supposed to be a secret! THERE ARE THREE SETS OF FLOWERS ON MY DRESSER!"
"Take it easy" the Doctor says. The first set are from me and the second set are from the Anesthesiologist."
"Well, how about the third set?" She asks.
The Doctor goes over and looks at the card. "Ah! They are from the little kid in the burn ward thanking you for the new ears."
37. A girl is at her rape trial and is asked by the judge, "Can you describe for the jury just exactly what the defended did to you Miss?" "Well, your Honor" she replied in a hushed tone, "First he ripped off my blouse and fucked me between my titties. Then he forced me to take off my panties and he fucked me twice in my vagina. Then he ordered me to roll over and he fucked me hard in my ass. Then he came all over my face and my hair!" "And then what'd he do, Miss Smith?" The judge asked. "That's all your Honor." she sobbed. "NO!" cried the judge as he stood up with his hard cock in his hand, "Make SOMETHING UP QUICK!!!!"
38. A boy comes home from school and his mother asks him what he did in school today. "I had sex with my teacher!" the boy relied. "YOU WHAT?" the mother screamed. "You just wait until your father gets home, young man! Now get upstairs to your room!" Later that evening the father comes home and is told about his sons escapades at school that day. He goes into his sons room and puts his arm around the boy. "Son", he says, "I suppose I should be mad at you but I just can't help but be proud of you. I mean, what I wouldn't have given to do that at your age! In fact, I'm so proud I'm going to buy you a new bike! How's that?" The boy replies, "Gee, thanks anyway Dad but my ass is still kind of sore from school."
39. A man asks his married friend if he has ever had anal sex and he replied, "Why yes, quit often."
"Well", the friend asked, "do you enjoy it?" "Not at all!" said the man. "Well, then does that
mean your wife enjoys it?" "No No No, she HATES it!" the man replied. "Then why for
God sakes do you do it?" his friend asked. "Well. the kids seem to enjoy it." He replied.
40. A black couple is having breakfast in a diner. The husband looks across the table at his wife and says, "Pass the sugar, Sugar." So a Jewish couple is sitting next to them. The husband overhears that and looks across the table at his wife and says, "Pass the honey, Honey." So a Polish couple is sitting next to them. The husband overhears that and
looks across the table at his wife and says, "Pass the bacon, you fat pig."
41. This guy walks into a bar down in Texas and orders a white wine. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist ... what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
42. A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground he begins kicking her and screaming, " You're not so tough tonight are you Batman!"
43. Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We havespecial requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.""Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, wereyou able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
44. A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
45. His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she
turned to him and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put
other men's penises in your mouth?" Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah,
Mom, well I guess so." His mother went back to stirring the pot.
46. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon,
saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!
47. Why do pedophiles love Halloween?
48. Two men were in a pub sitting at the bar and staring into
their drinks. The first guy gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Bill!
You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep, says Bill, I been married to one for fifteen years."
49. What's the difference between lesbians and wheat thins?
One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
50. Why did God give women yeast infections?
So they can know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.
TO SCROLL DOWN USE THE SLIDER BAR ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THIS PAGE
THE AMAZING JOHNATHAN NEW ONE HOUR SPECIAL IS ALMOST DONE!
Johnathan is putting the finishing touches on his new special and will begin taping it in July. It features all new material and will include biographical footage of his story about headlining in Vegas for the past 13 years and why he's closed the show. It's a good look at behind the scenes of how Vegas works and how it both helped and hurt his career. So far, AJ plans on taping the new special downtown at The Plaza. If the deal is green lighted we will inform yu about where and when the tix go onsale. This will most likely be AJ's final Las Vegas Show so come see the new stuff!
THE AMAZING JOHNATHAN CELEBRATES HIS 20TH EPISODE OF "BURN UNIT"
JOHNATHAN, the host of "Burn Unit" along with co-host and comedian Bruce Block celebrates their 20th episode of Burn Unit. If you haven't seen it check it out at burnunit.tv and have a laugh.
The show tapes inside AJ's warehouse studio in Las Vegas each week. You can be a guest in the audience for free by emailing AJ at firstname.lastname@example.org and getting his shooting schedule.
Each week AJ features local and national celebrities and the show can go anywhere since it's not scripted and is done live. You can catch it on Youtube, burnunit.tv, or on Itunes.. He also does episodes "On The Road" which features interviews with celebrities in other cities he's appearing in.
Apple contacted AJ to compliment the podcast and to say they are big fans of the show!
WARNING: This show is not for anyone under 16 and has Explicit Language who knows what else the madman of magic and comedy will say or do.
Sin City's wildest sinner is now world wide!
THE AMAZING JOHNNATHAN TOURING AGAIN
JOHNATHAN has retired his show in Vegas after 13 years, making his show the longest running comedy/magic show in Vegas's history. Johnathan will be on tour this summer playing at Improvs across America. He will be working out new material for a one hour special he's taping at the end of Sept. at The Plaza Hotel/Casino. Watch for appearances at all of the Improv Comedy Clubs too! Tour schedule is in LIVE section of this site.
AJ PLAYS THE MAGIC CASTLE FOR 1ST TIME!
ONE NIGHT ONLY ON JULY 17 THREE SHOWS. ALL SHOWS SOLD OUT! Standing ovation for all three shows.
AJ APPEARS on the ADAM COROLLA SHOW
August 8th at Irivine Improv at 8:00pm LIVE]]>